Groupies of the Ring, a set of LOTR Parodies
by Secret Talent
Summary: Really 3 sets of parody books, Groupies of the Ring, The Two Terrors, and The Return of the Drag-Queen. Some of the material here may not be for everyone, and some may even find it offensive. Well, if you do don't read them. Everyone else seems to enjoy t


The Ring: Three for the Burger Kings under the Sky. Seven for the McDonalds in their Halls of Stone. Nine for the Wendy's doomed to die. And One for the Dark Clown on his Dark throne. One Onion Ring to Rule them all, One Onion Ring to Find them. One onion ring to bring them all, and in the darkness they'd buy them. In the Land of America, where the heat burn lies.  
  
And Gandalf smothered the ring in Ketchup, and the words appeared, " One onion ring to bring them all, and in the darkness they'd buy them."  
  
"Can I take off the Onion Ring now Gandalf?" Frodo asked, "The hot oil's burning my finger!" "Humpin Hobbits Frodo, that's why I told you not to put in on in the first place!" He yelled horrified with the hobbit.  
  
Frodo: "Is it secret, is it safe?" Gandalf exclaimed when he saw Frodo. "What, you mean the ring? Nah, I pawned that piece of junk last week. Yeah, some guy named Sauron wanted it or something like that. I got a shiny new coin for it though."  
  
"A star shines upon the hour our meeting" Frodo said, and yet the elves giggled and laughed at him. "Screw this." Said Frodo. He pulled out sting and slew them all. "There." He said re-sheathing sting, "Problem solved."  
  
"Welcome to my nightmare." Frodo said when he awoke on Weathertop only to find Pippin on fire and the Black Riders coming.  
  
Frodo stood up upon the horse on the opposite bank of the river. "If you want me come and claim me!" He called out to the ring wraiths." "Okay." They said, and rode across. "Damn! I thought there was suppose to be a flood! Oh Bloody hell!" Frodo yelled, and fled in terror.  
  
"I will take the ring." Announced Frodo during the council. "Really?" Elrond asked. "Hah! Gottcha!" Reasons why Frodo left Rivendell in such a hurry.  
  
"I will take the ring, though I do not know the way." Frodo said. "Damn it boy, I gave you twenty maps already!" Elrond exclaimed, "What did you do with them?" "Well, I ran out of toilet paper you see and-" "Those were treasured heirlooms you dunce!" Elrond interrupted in a fury. "Why didn't you just ask for more?" "I do not know, just as I do not know the way..." He said trailing off. - Examples of Frodo's short attention span.  
  
"We shall appoint a company to aid the ring-bearer in his quest." Elrond announced. "Oh please, for the love of dope don't let it be Microsoft!" Frodo exclaimed horrified.  
  
"I love, I love, I love, I love my little Ring Bearer Girl every day, every day, every day, every day of the year." Song sang by Gandalf every day, much to the annoyance of Frodo. Sam seemed to like it though... "Damn it Gandalf, I'm not a girl!" "Humpin Hobbits Frodo, you're not!" He exclaimed, "But I though you and Sam made such a cute couple."  
  
"Wait Mr. Frodo, I'm coming with you!" Yelled out Sam across the river. "Oh bloody hell! Come off it Sam, get off my ass! What are you a hemorrhoid!" Yelled back Frodo. "Just bugger off!"  
  
"Wait Mr. Dodo! I'm coming with you!" Sam yelled. "At least pronounce my name right if you're going to come Sam!" Frodo yelled back."  
  
"Stop, in the name of love, before you enslave the world." - Song sang by Frodo about the dark lord during the trip.  
  
"Elbereth!" Cried Sam, holding up the vial of Galadriel before the two watchers. "What'd you do that for?" Asked Frodo bewildered. "Dunno, just felt right." Sam answered. "Whatever." Frodo said, and walked on. And surely the song "Walk on" began to play, until Sam held up the vial giving Frodo light to see, and then Frodo killed the singers.  
  
  
  
Bilbo: "What do you mean elves don't age and die?" Asked Sam. "Well Sam they're like Energizer Bunnies." Bilbo explained, "They gust keep going, and going, and going, and going..." He recited the words and going for the next forty years, until Elrond ordered his mouth stitched shut, and would not let him open it unless he promised to shut up.  
  
"I'm old Gandalf." Said Bilbo with a sigh. "Well, Duh!" Gandalf said. "Your eleventy-one." "Well you don't have to rub it in!" Bilbo screamed, A strange shadow having suddenly come upon his face. Leaping at Gandalf, he suddenly found himself in a world of hurt.  
  
"I want to see mountains again Gandalf." Bilbo said. "I thought Bag-End had a reasonably good strip joint?" Gandalf commented.  
  
"They shall not find the ring, for it is safe here in my pocket." Bilbo chuckled as he walked out of Bag End. "Bilbo Baggins!" Screamed Gandalf out the door, "Bring that confounded ring back!"  
  
"Might I see my old ring again Frodo?" Bilbo asked. "No." Frodo said. "Pity," Said Bilbo, drawing Sting from its sheath, "I was going to give this to you. I guess I still am, but in another sense." - Bilbo gets what Bilbo wants, one way or another.  
  
"Might I see my old ring again Frodo?" Bilbo asked. "No." Frodo said. "Pity." Bilbo said somewhat grieved. He clapped his hands and the doors and windows swung shut and bolted closed. "There's no way out of this room, unless you show me my ring." He announced to Frodo. "And what makes you think I will!" Frodo exclaimed holding the ring beneath his shirt. "Because I am going to recite my badly written poetry until you relent!" "Suddenly I feel very much like Gandalf." Frodo said. And with that Bilbo proceeded to miss pronounce every word and stutter and make bad and senseless rhymes until Frodo relented. - Bilbo gets what Bilbo wants, one way or another.  
  
  
  
Sam: "Nothing can catch Tom Bomadil." Goldberry told the four hobbits. "Oh no?" Asked Sam. He held up a bear trap. "I bet a couple of these will." Sure enough a few seconds later they all heard: "AHHHHHHH! WHAT THE F**** IS THIS! AHHHH IT HURTS LIKE A B****!" "See." Sam said, "Told ya." He laughed and said, "He ain't singin' now is he!" "I'll get you Samwise Gamge!" Called Tom, limping after the four hobbits who were running in terror, "And your little ring-bearer too!"  
  
"Neigh!" Said Bill. "Again?" Sam asked agitated. "I know you don't have hands and can't do it yourself, but this is getting ridiculous! I've never seen such a horny horse!" - Examples of Sam's Naive.  
  
"I'm a slllaaaave, for you!" - Song sang by Sam as a lullaby to Frodo during the trip.  
  
"I will swear on the precious!" Gollum Cried. "No, you'll stay out of Mr. Frodo's pants!" Cried Sam. -Possible reasons why Sam always hung around Frodo.  
  
"Coming to bed Mr. Frodo?" - Sam said. He seemed to be saying it every night. He also began to feel like a whore, a slut, and very cheep. "Well it's like my Gaffer always said," He said to himself, "I aim to please."  
  
"It's not my fault!" Sam told the others. "I'm not normally that way, it's just when he puts his special ring on you know where, and I loose all control over myself!" "That's not the point!" Gandalf scorned him, "You shouldn't have been looking at him when he had his pants off in the first place!" - One of Sam's pleadings or Temporary Insanity in order to get the fellowship off his and Frodo's case. It didn't work.  
  
"Going to Mountain of Doom and, we're gonna destroy the dark ring." Song sang by Sam during the trip much to the annoyance of Frodo.  
  
The Oliphant roared. "Again!" Sam whined. "I know you're manic depressive, but that doesn't mean you're a Nympho also! Come on, my hands are still dirty and sore from the last time!" - Examples of Sam's Naive.  
  
  
  
Gollum: "And from Gollum's Screams they deciphered three words: Said Gandalf, "Shire, Baggins, Tequila!" "Shire, Baggins!" Frodo exclaimed. "Tequila?" He asked. "Well, he must have been thirsty." Gandalf explained.  
  
"We wishes we had squeezed that Baggins when we had the chance precious!" Gollum whined. "I don't think he would have enjoyed that all that much Gollum." Sam said eavesdropping. "Want a worm instead?" "What's a wormsie?" Gollum asked, "Wormsie as in Tequila?" "No," Sam said reaching for his pants, "Wormsie as in this!" "That little thing?" Gollum laughed. As a matter of fact, Gollum didn't stop laughing until Sam bound him with the rope once more, leaving him howling in pain.  
  
"We wants a fish!" Gollum whined. "I don't have a fish, but I have a worm." Said Sam reaching for his pants. "Sam at least give him a nights rest!" Frodo scolded.  
  
"Do you smell what the dark lord's cooking?" Said the Narrator. "Fishes we hopes!" Gollum whined. "I thought you hated cooked food." Frodo said. "Yes we does, but we wants any kinds of fishes cause we can't stands Sam's worms any more! Wicked cruel things they's is!"  
  
Pippin: "Get off the road!" Cried Frodo. "Why!" Yelled Pippin, "So you can have the mushrooms all to yourself? I'll kill you!"  
  
"Get off the Road!" Frodo yelled to the others. "Why!" Demanded Pippin, "You and Sam got your turn to play Hop-Scotch, now it's ours!" - Examples of Pippin's finite wisdom.  
  
"Trolls, trolls!" Pippin yelled frantically. "Kind of a turn on, don't you think Merry? I just love the element of danger!" "Oh knock it off you too!" Frodo exclaimed, "They aren't alive anyways, they're stone!" He proceeded to walk over and knock on them. "And don't make that face at me Sam! The answer is no!"  
  
"She's got the urge to herbal." Sam sang. "Really?" Pippin asked, "So do I." And with that he had some of his special pipe-weed.  
  
Merry: "Help Frodo!" Called Merry, "Pippin and I are stuck in the tree!" Frodo and Sam walked back and looked at the two standing and facing a tree. "What do you mean stuck?" Frodo asked, looking at the two from behind. "Not from that angle, no Mr. Frodo." Sam said looking at the two from the side. "Oh now really you two!" Frodo exclaimed, "How many times have I told you not to go poking around where you don't belong! Tom Bombadil doesn't have enough lubricant to keep one of you out of these sticky situations, let alone two!"  
  
"We make a good team Pippin." Merry said. "A groin grabbingly good team!" Pippin agreed. "Right." Merry said, and shuddered slightly.  
  
"Oh Pip, that's the spot!" Quote commonly uses by Merry During the trip.  
  
"So Treebeard, what's new with you today?" Merry asked. "Hum didley dum a bum bum boom boom." "Humpin Hobbits? Well, Pip and I get a bit lonely some times. That's all really..." Merry said trailing off into a daydream.  
  
"I have a sword!" Merry said, and with that he reached for his pants. "NO MERRY!" Theoden exclaimed, "Not that kind of sword!" Embarrassed, the young hobbit asked the man to be his father instead.  
  
"You shall be as a father to me." Merry said to King Theoden. "What makes you think I'd want to?" The old man asked. "If you don't I'll have Galadriel cut you." Merry said. "Oh, and what makes you think she'd do that?" "She's rather Slash-Happy these days sir." Said Eowyn, "She threatened to cut out all my hair unless I said she was prettier." "That malicious bitch!" Exclaimed Legolas. "Everyone knows I'm the prettiest!" "Right." Eowyn said grabbing her sword hilt and backing away.  
  
Aragorn: "I got you babe. They say our love won't destroy the ring, so instead I'll go on a killing spree. I've got you babe." - Song sang by Aragorn to Arwen before he left with the fellowship.  
  
"I would give up my mortal life, for an immortal life with you." Aragorn said to Arwen. "Yeah I bet you would!" She said prissily. "Boy, wouldn't that solve a lot of our problems!"  
  
"What dope is there?" Frodo asked. "Gandalf supplied the dope." Aragorn answered. "With him gone we shall have to continue without dope." - Comments made after Gandalf fell from Middle-Earth.  
  
And Aragorn bent over the Plantir, after finally deciding to reveal his true self to the dark lord. When he answered Aragorn's call his first words were: "So you finally decided to come out of the closet eh?"  
  
"I must take the paths of the dead." Aragorn announced. "Oh goodie." Legolas said Prissily. "That's gonna be great for my completion!" "Just think Legolas," Gimli said, "You, me, alone on a horse in the dark." "Knock it off you two!" Aragorn yelled. "We have a war to fight!" "Yeah and so do I!" Legolas exclaimed. "Theoden! I need butt armor and I need it now!" "I thought you said you had cheeks of steel." Eowyn said suspiciously. "He does." Gimli chuckled, pinching Legolas again, much to his displeasure.  
  
Boromir: "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn." He said to Boromir. "So?" Boromir replied. "Why the hell should I care?"  
  
"Why do you build me up, build me up, Aragorn the Elf-Stone just to take the crown." Song sang by Boromir about Aragorn during the trip.  
  
"Frodo, can I ask you something?" Boromir said when he found Frodo. "Yes Boromir?" Frodo asked. "But I warn you, I will give you only one thing that you request. It can be anything at all." "Well, in that case will you sign my yearbook?" Boromir asked the hobbit. He left Frodo to his thoughts after he finished signing. It wasn't until he got back to the boats that he exclaimed, "Darn it! I should have asked him to bring the ring to Gondor!" - Examples of Boromir's foolish requests.  
  
"I feel charming, oh so charming..." Song sang by Boromir during the trip. Especially after he chased Frodo away.  
  
  
  
Elrond: "Isilduuuuuuuuuuuuuur!" Screamed Elrond when he tried to keep the ring for himself. "Don't yell, I'm standing right next to you!" He said. "Now, what do you want?" "YOU CAN"T KEEP THE RING!" "I said stop yelling damn it! That's it, I'm keeping the ring for myself!" And with that he left. -Examples of Elrond's temper.  
  
"All my Elven foresight and I couldn't see this coming!" Elrond's comments about his wife leaving him.  
  
"I'm back Elrond dear." Called Galadriel when she arrived in Rivendell. "Damn, it's the mother in law, back again!" He cursed, "My wife left, why won't she!"  
  
"I lost faith in the strength of men long ago" Said Elrond. "Just because you can lift more weight than them doesn't make them weak." Retorted Gandalf.  
  
"I was there Gandalf, when Isildur took the ring from the hand of Sauron!" Said Elrond. "Oh bother, you aren't about to go into one of those pathetic flashbacks again are you?" Gandalf moaned.  
  
"I was there Gandalf." Elrond said. "Yes, and so were over 30,000 others but you don't seem to acknowledge their efforts do you!" Gandalf scoffed.  
  
"Secret meeting time!" Elrond called throughout Rivendell. He rang many bells and blew many whistles, posted signs, and sent many people to fetch the council members. Then when Sam, Merry, and Pippin showed up he asked, "How did you know about the meeting?" "Well sir," Sam said, "It's hard to miss the large neon sign saying "Secret Council" with an arrow pointing the way." "Or the yelling and screaming about the council." Merry added. "Or the blimp!" Said Pippin pointing up to the blimp with the sign flashing news about the Secret Meeting. "Maybe I over did it a bit." Elrond said quietly to himself. - Examples of Elrond's belief in the motto, "The Bigger the Better". Surprisingly enough, his wife had the same motto and it is rumored that that is why she left him for the havens.  
  
  
  
  
  
Gandalf: "I missed you Gandalf!" Frodo yelled when he saw him enter the shire. He ran up and hugged him around the waist. "Humpin Hobbits don't hug me Frodo," Gandalf exclaimed horrified, "Your too short!"  
  
"I've come to see Saruman!" Gandalf announced to the gatekeeper at Isenguard. "Nobody sees the wizard! Not nobody not no how!" He yelled. Gandalf ignored the idiot man and blew gently on the gates, which opened forward effortlessly. "Idiots!" Gandalf muttered as he rode through.  
  
"Humpin' Hobbits!" Exclaimed Gandalf, "I've forgotten my hat in Isenguard!"  
  
"Nice dress Gandalf sir." Pippin said when he saw him in Rivendell. "This isn't a dress young Pippin, it's a Wizard's Robe." "Oh." He said, "So does this mean your not a cross-dresser?" - Reasons why Gandalf leapt in after the Balrog.  
  
"I feel horny, oh so horny. This celibacy is getting to me." - Song sang by Gandalf throughout the whole trip.  
  
"I see hobbits, humpin' hobbits, who are now all staring at me!" Sang Gandalf as he spied on the hobbit members of the company.  
  
"Humpin' Hobbits!" Exclaimed Gandalf looking around, "There's humpin' hobbits!"  
  
"Humpin Hobbits Frodo!" Gandalf exclaimed, "What do I look like, the Trojan man? Get your own!"  
  
"I warn you Wargs!" Gandalf announced to the evil wolves surrounding them on the hill, "I am not one to be trifled with!" "Then who is?" Asked the leader. "Him!" Gandalf said pointing to Legolas. And with that Boromir and Aragorn seized Legolas and threw him to the wolves. The whole company was sick of the pretty elf's whining about split ends and broken nails. Gimli alone wept for his lost companion, but later is noted for saying, "Better him than me."  
  
And Gandalf pressed the end of his staff to the pile of wood and cried out in a language long since forgotten. Suddenly a large purple fire sprung up from the wood. Looking to the left he said, "Now that will let all who are watching know that Gandalf the Grey-ham is here!" "The fire?" Frodo asked. "No, the large neon sign I conjured up with that spell!" "So the fire then." Frodo said. "No! I told you, the sign!" Gandalf said pointing. Surely enough, to the left, on the side of the mountain a large blue neon sign was flashing "Gandalf is here!" With an arrow pointing to him. "Then how did you make the fire?" Legolas asked. "Fire? What fire? Ahh! Humpin Hobbits!" Gandalf exclaimed looking down. " My staff is spontaneously combusting again!" - Magical Mishaps with Gandalf the Grey.  
  
"Open!" Gandalf cried, pounding on the door into Moria. "Confounded thing! I've tried every password I know in every single language!" "Ah, Gandalf?" Gimli said. "What is it." He whimpered. "If I was you, I would try the knob I told you about." And with that Gimli turned the knob and the door opened. "Now why didn't I think of that!" Gandalf exclaimed. "Because you'd stupid?" Pippin suggested. - Examples of Pippins Finite Wisdom, Gimli's infinite knowledge or turning doorknobs, and Reasons why Gandalf jumped in after the Balrog.  
  
"When in doubt always follow your nose." Said Gandalf, finally choosing a direction. "Yeah, yours is so big you must never get lost." Pippin said. - Reasons why Gandalf leapt in after the Balrog.  
  
"You are invited to the Balrog's Keg Party Gandalf." The Orc said. "Just jump off the next bridge you come to and take a left, you can't miss it." "All right." Said Gandalf, "I'll do that..." - Examples of Gandalf's drinking problem. Also the reason why he "Fought" with the Balrog and "Lost".  
  
"You shall not pass!" Cried Gandalf. "Yes I will!" The Balrog said. "Oh well, it was worth a try!" And with that he ran like hell.  
  
"You shall not pass!" Cried Gandalf. "Yes I will!" The Balrog said. "No you won't!" Gandalf retorted. "Yes I will!" "NO" "YES" "NO NO NO!" "YES YES YES!" "Please you two!" Scoffed Aragorn, "You fight like an old married couple." So, they both turned on him, slew him, and resumed their argument.  
  
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled at the Balrog, and using his magnetic powers he cast the fire-demon into the abyss. Unfortunately Wolverine jumped him from behind, knocking him in as well. He raped Frodo and stole the ring, which was made of Adamantium. And that my friend is how Joan of Arc saved France. "Teacher, no it's not" Said the little boy. "Quiet you!" The teacher snapped.  
  
"I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter!" - Song sang by Gandalf as he "fell" off the bridge and down into the abyss. He sang it forty times and became to horse to sing it any more before he hit bottom.  
  
"Humpin Hobbits Pippin!" Exclaimed Gandalf, "Put down that stone!"  
  
"Humpin Hobbits! I see dead people!" Gandalf yelled. "Yes Gandalf," Aragorn said, "You just killed them, remember?" "Damn, I've gotta lay off my pipe for a while..."  
  
"The rebel base will be in range in ten minutes sir." The Storm trooper said to Gandalf. "What the hell are you talking about?" He asked. "Whoops! Wrong Movie!" And with that he left.  
  
Galadriel: "We want to see Lady Galadriel." Aragorn told Haldir when he met them in Lorien. "Nobody see's the lady, not nobody, not no how!" He exclaimed. The elf standing next to him bashed him over the head and promptly led the company into Lorien.  
  
"You have found favor with the lady of the wood." Said Haldir as he met the company as they entered Lothlorien, "You are all invited to her keg party, even the dwarf." "And why is she having a keg party?" Said Legolas rather prissily. "Well you see," Haldir went on, "She has a bad hair day once every 400 years. On that day she gets everyone liquored up so they don't notice and can't remember it." "Why that malicious bitch!" Legolas exclaimed, "She's always trying to out do me!" - Examples of Galadriel's and Legolas's unseen rivalry.  
  
"If at first you don't succeed, just dust you're self off and try again..." -Song sang by Galadriel when she mourned for Gandalf.  
  
"This quest travels upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and I'll cut you! Cut you goooood!" - The warning of Lady Galadriel.  
  
"Humpin Hobbits?" Exclaimed Galadriel softly after Frodo whispered in her ear, "Why I'd never thought of that..."  
  
"Humpin Hobbits!" Exclaimed Celeborn after Frodo whispered into his ear, "I out to kill you just for suggesting that!"  
  
"I know what you saw in the mirror, for it is in my mind also." Said Galadriel. "So what, you want a prize or something?" Frodo mocked. "'I know what you saw in the mirror'. So, what you gonna do about it? Him and his minions have been riding my ass for the last two thousand miles, and the only help I get out of you is, 'I know what you saw in the mirror'." -Reasons Frodo left Lorien sooner than expected.  
  
"I know what you saw in the mirror, for it is also in my nightmares..." What Galadriel said to Frodo when he looked in her Compact. "But I didn't see anything else in it besides my own reflection." Frodo said. "That I know as well." She said solemnly.  
  
"Miss Galadriel," Sam said, "Why do you have a mirror made out of water?" "Well you see Sam," She said, "Every time I had a bad hair day I would break the glass ones. Water is a bit more durable." "Oh," Said Frodo, "How very vain of you." - Reasons Frodo left Lorien sooner than expected.  
  
"If you tell me to, I will give you the ring." Frodo said to Galadriel. "You would give it to me freely?" She asked, reaching lightly for it. "Yoink!" He cried, dragging his hand back! "Argh!" Cried the queen, "You'll pay for that one!" - Reasons Frodo left Lorien sooner than expected.  
  
"She's got the urge!" Sam sang as he watched Frodo wash Galadriel's hair in her "Mirror". "What did I do to deserve this!" Frodo complained. "I told you you'd pay." She said, "Now condition those tangles! I haven't gotten them out in over 400 years!" - Revenge and Beauty Secrets All In One.  
  
"She's got the urge!" Sang Sam when Galadriel was tempted by the ring. "QUIET YOU!" She screamed at him. "Wow." Said Pippin when spying on them. "I must have eaten too many mushrooms cause that's some freaky shit!"  
  
"She's got the urge!" Sam sang as he watched Frodo wash Galadriel's hair in her "Mirror". "What did I do to deserve this!" Frodo complained. "I know what's in your mind. I saw that you wanted to do this for me." She said. "Okay then." Examples of Frodo's Naïve.  
  
"I got you babe!" -Song sang by Celborn and Galadriel late at night. They also sang it at Aragorn and Arwen's wedding. Legolas and Gimli sang back up, their hands in each other's pockets.  
  
"Ever single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you." Elrond sang constantly in morning of his daughter Arwen during the boat ride. Until Galadriel had him tied and gagged for disturbing her beauty sleep which happened to be 23 hours a day. Surprisingly, Sam sang the same thing about Frodo the whole ride back from the Havens, until Merry and Pippin jumped him and stuffed their socks down his throat. And all were glad, even the manic-depressive Oliphant.  
  
"Curse that ring of Galadriel!" Celeborn thought to himself, "I can't so much as peek at another woman without her knowing!" "Cursing my ring eh?" Came the thoughts of Galadriel, "Want to peek at other women eh? NO SEX FOR 1,000 YEARS NOW!" - Reasons why Celeborn hardly ever scored.  
  
  
  
Legolas: "So, Figwit, how are you today?" Legolas asked. No reply. "Not talking to me eh? What is it? My hair? My hairs messed up isn't it! You could have told me you know! No, you're working with Galadriel, trying to make me look bad!" For the first time Figwit said something. "SHUT UP WILL YOU!" - Examples of Legolas's vanity.  
  
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty..." - Song sang by Legolas throughout the whole trip.  
  
"Legolas, how do you get you hair to be so shiny?" Frodo asked. "Well, I brush is the same number of strokes as my age ever morning and night. "How old are you?" Frodo asked. "Well, I'm still brushing my hair at four in the afternoon so why don't you guess?" - Examples of Legolas's vanity, and his beauty secrets.  
  
"Why does Legolas fight with a bow?" Frodo asked Aragorn. Because he could still brush his hear in-between shots. Also, hairbrushes are no good for stabbing people."  
  
"Is my lipstick even?" Quote used commonly by Legolas during the trip. "Is my lip-gloss even?" Another Quote used commonly by Legolas during the trip. "Is my grape flavored Chap-Stick even?" Well, you get the picture.  
  
"Oh damn it I broke a nail!" Legolas exclaimed, answered by a unanimous "Shut up you stupid elf!"  
  
"Lego my ego!" Quote uses by the entire company when Legolas was suppose to make breakfast, but was too busy applying makeup and Singing, "I feel pretty" to care.  
  
"That's it I'm giving up the bow!" Legolas declared to the company. "Why?" Frodo asked. "Because it's giving my beautiful hands calists!" He cried out, sobbing and whimpering. - Examples of Legolas's vanity.  
  
"Who is a skillful archer and has great legs?" Gollum riddled with Frodo and Sam. "Shaved-Leg-O'-Lass!" Sam exclaimed. "Since when does anyone call him that?" Frodo asked? "Dunno, just seemed right." Sam said. "I'll never look at him the same way again." Gollum whined. "And not just because of his wormsies!"  
  
"Uh, Legolas, you're mascara is running." Said Gimli. "Shut up you freak!" He screamed "Sorry, it's just that time of the month."  
  
"Note to self: Wax Legs, chest, arms, back, entire body except for long beautiful locks of gorgeous hair!" Examples of Legolas's personal notes. "PS: Don't forget you know where!"  
  
  
  
Gimli: "Soon we'll be feasting with the lords of Moria." Gimli said. "You mean we'll be dead soon?" Pippin asked, looking around. "Oh yes Pippin," Gimli mocked, "That's exactly what I mea-Holy Gold! They're dead!" Frodo just rolled his eyes and muttered, "Welcome to my nightmare." Under his breath.  
  
"And Legolas and Gimli shall ride together in a boat." Aragorn concluded. "Oh great!" Exclaimed Legolas, "You mean I have to paddle this dwarf's fat ass the whole way!" "I'll enjoy it more than you will, that's for sure." Gimli said. -Possible reasons why Gimli always hung around Legolas.  
  
"Aragorn, the hobbits are getting away!" Legolas whined. "Aren't we going to go after them?" "No," He said, "We shall have no part in the sick little games they play along the way." "It's true we don't want any part in that!" Gimli said, "Mainly because we have our own games to play." He proceeded to pinch Legolas in the butt. "Darn in Dwarf!" Legolas exclaimed, "I said stop pinching me! One of these day's I'm going to-" "Knock it off you two!" Aragorn interrupted. "We have two other hobbits to go after!" - Examples of Legolas and Gimli's so called "Friendship".  
  
"And another one bites the dust." Said Gimli as he slew orcs; and as he shoved the little hobbits to the ground.  
  
"How can we enter the paths of the dead?" Aragorn asked. "Why not try the doorknob?" Gimli suggested. Sure enough, the doorknob was there, and quite turn-able. -Examples of Gimli's infinite knowledge of turning doorknobs.  
  
Saruman: "I am now Saruman the Many-Colored!" He announced to Gandalf. "You ran out of bleach again, didn't you?" Gandalf asked. "Quiet you!" Saruman hissed, and locked him on the Pinnacle of Isenguard as payback for embarrassing him.  
  
"But where were they going without ever knowing the way!" Saruman sang as he watched the company enter Moria instead of taking the impassable pass.  
  
And Saruman picked up the magic Plantir. He turned it over and shook it asking, "Will they conquer Isenguard today?" The answer, "Concentrate and try again." Floated to the surface. "Damn thing!" He screamed and threw it out the window, where a small hobbit picked it up and gave it to Gandalf... "Humpin Hobbits Pippin!" Exclaimed Gandalf, "Put down that stone!" "Why? Asked Pippin. "Because it came from the Kidney of Sauron!" Gandalf said solemnly. "Uck!" He exclaimed dropping it. "What is it good for then Gandalf?" Aragorn asked. "Getting stoned in a hurry." He said even more Solemnly.  
  
"Fly my pretties!" Saruman exclaimed, and started throwing his Orcs out of the Windows. "You know Master, you'd do better in this war if you sent them on foot instead, seeming as how they don't have wings." Wormtongue said. "Curses!" Yelled Saruman as he watch his orcs fall like stones out of the tower, and dropping to their deaths. "He's right! I had better breed new and better orcs! Orcs with wings that can fly from my windows!" "Or just let them go out the door maybe?" Wormtongue suggested. Saruman ignored him though, and set about trying to breed his orcs with his crows. "I will have my Orcrows yet!" He exclaimed. - Examples of Saruman's stupid kind of stubbornness.  
  
Sauron: When the nine were first turned to un-dead servants of Sauron, the Witch- King is noted for saying, "Great. We're un-dead ring-wraiths. Ain't this a craptapular existence!" - Examples of Witch-Kings pathetic swearing in his un-dead life. "Shut the f*** up you stupid Witch!" Said the wraith next to him. - Apparently they didn't all have that problem.  
  
"I'm so lonely. So very lonely." Song Sang by Sauron while searching for the ring. "If I could only find that ring I could ask Galadriel to dump Celeborn and Marry me! Wait! I see that confounded hobbit in the mirror with Galadriel! He's got my ring! Curses! He beat me to it!"  
  
"The Kidney Stone is Passing!" Sauron's orcs cried when he made the Plantir of Orthanc, "Our plight will come again!"  
  
"Go my nine, and fetch my ring!" Sauron told his Black Riders. "Hey, wait a minute!" Exclaimed the Witch-King. "Without your ring how can you command us?" Sauron thought for a second, and then with a completely straight face he said, "Witch-King, I am your father!" "Noooo!" The Witch King exclaimed. "Yes." Sauron went on, "And you must do as I say! Fetch my ring so I can control you all, as well as middle-earth, properly!" With that the nine rode out of Barad-Dur and off to the shire. "Idiots!" Sauron muttered as they left.  
  
Radagast: "The will find the ring, and drink tea with the one who carries it. Or kill him. How the hell am I suppose to know? What, just because I'm a wizard I'm suppose to know everything!" - Why Radagast wasn't the Ring-Bearer's guide.  
  
"They will find the queen, and kill the King who's banging her..." Radagast said solemnly. "No, wait, that's not quite right is it. Oh yes, the ring, not the king, how silly of me!"  
  
"I got Gandalf into that mess, and I'll get him out!" Radagast told Elrond when he heard about what had happened. "What? You? Ha!" Elrond laughed. "What can you do?" "The Hokey Pokey." Radagast said solemnly. Sure enough, as the old man began to dance a portal opened and Gandalf staggered through it. And with the last of his strength he choked Radagast into unconsciousness. And that my friend is how Joan of Arc saved France. "Teacher, no it's not" Said the little boy. "Quiet you!" The teacher snapped.  
  
Cirdan the Ship-Plight: "Cirdan my lord, our ships keep crashing." Said one of his subjects. "Why is that?" "They don't call me Cirdan the Ship-Plight for nothing." He told him. "And all this time I thought it was Ship-Wright. Silly me." The elf said and left.  
  
"No!" Screamed Cirdan when Gandalf took the ring from him, "I had to go through thirty thousand boxes of Cracker Jacks for that!"  
  
"She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care!" Song sang by Cirdan when he learned that Arwen would never sail from Middle-Earth.  
  
"Wait for us Mr. Frodo!" Sam called to him, "You're not leaving for the havens without saying goodbye are you?" "Actually Sam, I was sneaking off to his Keg/Beach party without you." "Why is he throwing a party?" Pippin asked. "To celebrate the destruction of the ring! " Elrond announced. Then he whispered, "Really it's to celebrate Galadriel's leaving Middle Earth! Sadly she'll be coming with us!" "I HEARD THAT!" Came her though. "Isn't that ring's power dead yet?!?" He exclaimed. "Mine died yesterday, why won't hers die?" "Don't you know Elrond?" Gandalf asked. "Diamonds are forever!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He cried out, and wept.  
  
Enya The Singer: And Enya began to sing: "May it be-" "May it be what?" Screamed a heckler from the crowed. "Quiet! I was getting to that!" She yelled back. "Damn! I forgot the rest of that elvish gibberish! Thanks a lot!"  
  
Once again she tried to sing, without interruption: "May it be, however it goes, some thing something be true. May it be, when darkness falls, yada yada yada yada." Then she realized that she really had forgotten the lyrics. "Damn it!" She exclaimed, and stormed off the stage.  
  
""We love you Enya!" Cried her fans as she walked out of the back door of the concert. "What does that one song mean?" Asked one of them. "Which one?" She said turning to the voice. "May it be." The person said. "What's not to get?" She asked. "Well, what do you want to be?" The person asked. Turning red in the face, she screamed, "I want you people to leave me alone about that song! I don't care what it will be, as long as it won't be you people asking me about it!" "Sorry." The person said and walked away. After Enya had cooled down a bit another person asked, "Who can say where the road goes?" With that she ran back inside, grabbed the nearest grandfather clock, and ran back out. Swinging the mighty clock at the persons head she yelled, "You' Moma!" And bashed him over the head. And with that, she left in a mighty chase between her driver and the police. It ended with her confusing the police by singing the lyrics to the song Aníron while being read her rights. She was let off on the grounds of temporary calamity, and never attacked anyone with a clock again or before. However the story goes." And with that unusual tale, the reciter was booed out of Middle- Earth, and onto Tatooine where he proceeded to mock Anakin, Padmé, and Yoda the Yoga Instructor.  
  
Tom Da'Bomb-Pimpo: "Ho Tom Da'Bomb, Tom Da'BombPimpo! By water, wood and hill, by reed and willow, by fire sun and moon, hearken now and hear us! Come Tom Da'BombPimp of our need is near us!" Frodo sang out in the cold Wright-Barrow. Suddenly, he heard movement coming towards him, and a loud singing from outside the barrow: "Old Tom Da'Bomb is a pimpin fellow, bright blue his fur coat is and his platforms are yellow. None have ever not paid him yet, for Tom, he is the master: His thongs are stronger thongs, and his feet kick faster!" There, standing in the doorway was Tom Da'Bomb himself in his high platform shoes, fir coat, and hat with a long feather in it. He strode in, cane in hand and yelled at the barrow Wright: "Bi'atch! Just what do you think you be doin to ma' hobbit-hoes? Huh?! Get your punk ass outta here and don't be coming back or else Tom is gonna beat your ass!" And with that the Wright was gone.  
  
Note: Make Quote on Goldmellons, his wife. Soon to come: Goldmellons- Tom's Main Squeeze!  
  
Sang Tom Da'Bomb to Goldmellons, "Have a boozie, you floozie, a boozie I say. For now is the time that guests come to stay!" Sang Goldmellons to Tom, all shit-faced, "Ah, go lick a monkey!" With that she passed out, and there she did lay.  
  
The Battles: Aragorn VS Arthur "In this corner, weighing a mean 200 pounds, we have Aragorn, King of Gondor and Arnor. Descendant of the Kings of Numenor. Overall, a big Or Bore. Wielder of the Sword Aundril which was once Narsil, which was passed down for hundreds of years from father to son. Wow that makes me ill. And in the other corner we have Arthur also weighing 200 pounds, King of some puny little Island named England. Descendent of some other pathetic Human race. Wielder of the sword Excaliber that has no history other than being found stuck in some mud-" "Rock!" Arthur interrupted. "Whatever. This is a tag team match between the two kings and their Wizards Gandalf and Merlin. Let's get it on!" Sauron announced. He stepped out of the ring, and walked up the isle chuckling evilly to himself. "Hopefully these bumpkins will beat the snot out of each other and I can go conquer Middle-Earth!" "Not a chance." Can Galadriel's aggravating though.  
  
Legolas VS Galadriel "I've had it with you Galadriel!" Legolas exclaimed, standing there in his tee shirt and short-shorts, under which his green tights showed. "As I have you!" Shrieked the Golden Lady of Lorien, standing there in her magical invisible blouse, and sheik grey cloak. "Then you shall have to die!" Legolas exclaimed. With that he drew his long nail file, much like one would a knife, and lunged at the lady, looking to kill, or at least break one of her red-hot nails. "Don't toy with me you queer little elf!" She laughed steeping aside, watching him bash his head against a tree. "Now we shall see who is truly the best and prettiest!" She drew from inside her cloak a large pair of scissors, and it was clear what she intended to do. She was going to cut Legolas's hair. "No I'm not!" She hissed at the narrator, a.k.a. me. "I'm going to fix that Uni-Brow of his." The world grew dark, and a shadow passed over her face. "Malicious Bitch!" Legolas exclaimed, enraged at the thought of him having a uni-brow, and he lunged at her again. "Hoochy Mama!" Galadriel retorted, and then took her mithril scissors and snipped off his ponytail. The most evil of catfights resulted from that, leaving Legolas's head shaved and Galadriel's invisible blouse torn.  
  
Tom Bombadil VS The Narrator "No, my songs are stronger!" Tom said to the invisible narrator. "You wish." I replied. "No, I know." Tom said prissily. "Ha! You can only make things happen if I say you can!" I said, my voice filled with a mocking laughter, which angered the nature-spirit to his bones. "Let's see!" Tom snarled. "A big brick is floating in the air, it's going to land atop your hair!" It was a pathetic, off the top of his head poem. And I, having the stronger power throughout these stories, decided to work with it. I've decided that a brick did in fact appear. The only thing is it didn't land in my hair, it landed on Tom's fat head, knocking some sense into him. "Gurgle!" Tom gurgled in agreement, the concussion setting in. How I love being the narrator!  
  
Poems, Songs, etc.: "All that is gold is not worthless. In fact hardly any gets lost. Unless of course you count stealing, in that case I'm at a loss."  
  
"Oh there's Prancer and Goof-Off and Dip and Gay. There's Sam-Dum and Grabby and Shaved-Leg-O'-Lass they say. But do you recall, the most famous Hobbit of all? Dodo the ass backward ring bearer." - Songs sang about the Company.  
  
Riding hither and thither, there and back, over and beyond, the place nearer to there than here is to that. Ride hard little Goof-Off, thy pipe fire grows dim, and if thy horse should stumble, choose a sturdy Naugrim. Grabby won't mind, he likes to be fondled, but oh do beware, the forces of Souron. He likes to cause trouble, but don't be dismayed, those plaid color robes, will hide you from they. And so this epic, badly rhymed and versed, comes to an end, with me stealing thy change purse!  
  
The list goes on forever, and it never really quite stops. But in the end, I know my friend, that we'll both be crazy and senile.  
  
Elven Jedi Arts (Special thanks to LadyLauranaStar for the Idea): http://expage.com/elvenjediwarriors  
  
  
  
"And instead of a dark emperor, you would set up a queen!" Exclaimed Galadriel after Frodo tempted her with the ring. "Foolish hobbit! Do you know what you've done!?! You've awakened the dark side in me, and now you shall pay!" And with that she drew forth a brilliant, green light saber, and held it with the precision of an Elven Jedi Queen. "Didn't know elves practiced the Jedi arts." Frodo commented offhandedly. "WE INVENTED THEM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" She screamed at him. "WE ARE THE FIRST BORN! THE FIRST CREATIONS OF THE ONE! MANY WILL COME AFTER US, BUT NO CHILDREN HAVE COME BEFORE US!" With that the shadow passed, and Galadriel's saber faded. "What's wrong?" Asked Frodo. "Batteries are dead." She rasped. "And I do believe I've gone horse. That's it, I've passed the test. You shall keep the ring given to you by your father-" "Uncle!" "Whatever! And I shall diminish, and pass into the west full of light, and away from the dark side." -Examples of Elven Jedi arts and yelling contests.  
  
"That's it I'm giving up the bow!" Legolas declared to the company. "Why?" Frodo asked. "Because now I have this!" He exclaimed, brandishing his new Purple Light Saber at the company. "Celeborn gave it to me in Lorien!" He told them. "Why'd he do that?" Aragorn asked, jealous of the better sword. "Because he knew Galadriel wouldn't want me to have it." He giggled. "She's been withholding certain marital rights from him you see." "Careful where you point that thing elf!" Gimli exclaimed as his beard was singed. "Makes a good night light at least." Aragorn muttered under his breath, watching the air-headed elf wave it like a flashlight.  
  
Frodo looked down the familiar path leading to Bag-End. His parent's had recently died, and he was told he would be living with his Uncle in bag end. The only problem was that the whole family thought he was rather strange, he didn't quite know why though. Suddenly, there he came walking up the path to the hobbit-hole. "Uncle Yoda!" Frodo exclaimed running up to greet the little green hobbit with hairy pointed ears much like an Elf's. Frodo thought that a hobbit and an elf must have had relations in a magical swamp a while back in order to create this guy. "You're home!" "Definitely home I am. Living with me now you are?" He asked. His method of speaking was strange, but Frodo guessed he must have picked it up from his many travels. "Yes I am. I just know our life together will be great!" "Great it will be yes," Uncle Yoda agreed, "But very dangerous!" For little did little Frodo suspect, his Uncle Yoda was the head of the White Elven Jedi Council, or that he was the target of the dark emperor bent on ruling all of Middle-Earth. 


End file.
